8th Feb

Paris:
I'm not gonna lie, Paris was good, how could it not be, it's full of ridiculously gorgeous architecture and art. (which as Josef stated, is what happens when you just surrender in war) But ultimately I don't know if I can say I really enjoyed myself. I felt very alone for much of it, very stressed, with myself, with others. One night I took a 40 minute shower and went to bed at 9.30pm just so I could be alone. I've been feeling like this a lot recently, but Paris really took me to a new level. I'm constantly skipping from one emotion to another and don't seem capable of having much control over them anymore. I feel like I've forgotten how to relax, how to be happy, and especially how to let out negative emotions so they don't come back.
I'm planning to go home for a little break this Saturday to see if seeing family and friends will help sort me out a bit.


On 7th Feb in my one to one discussion with Pete Lloyd, I mentioned my worry over more than one style. Pete said it was one of the things the illustration staff don't see eye to eye with Fig. He pointed out that Louise Weir has an "alter ego" for her other style, which goes under the pseudonym "Bish". Having looked online I can see the great differences in Louise's styles.

The day before I had emailed Pete requesting to step down from being a fundraising rep for the final show. I feel I'm going through a lot of things right now that are playing hell with my emotions, and putting extra time and effort in to organise a final show whilst others do fuck all isn't helping the situation. We discussed it in the meeting and I admitted to Pete that I've been feeling something of a wreck lately. I can't quite figure out why, but I'm all over the place. Naturally I'm stressed about my final project, but I don't think that's the cause of it. And other things like whiny little housemates whose default setting is set to “Moan: all the time about anything and everything” aren't really helping at all.

I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. As previously mentioned in my Paris entry, I didn't really enjoy myself, and I think that's the sign of a problem. On Sunday I made the decision to book some train tickets home, in the hope that seeing family and friends would help sort me out.